The Mess Jess Made

I had a professor in my final semester of college who, after reading my (rather lengthy and verbose!) discussion post submissions and papers, asked if I wrote a blog and told me to let her know if I ever made one. Oddly enough, I have had blogs I have sporadically posted on throughout the years, but most of them were private and not publicly viewable. This, however, is intended to be public. So, Nancy–this is for you. Thank you for taking an interest in my life and encouraging my writing. You were my favorite teacher in college!

I am currently writing this entry from my hotel room in Duluth, MN. I have eight days off from work (currently on day five), and Covid kind of ruined my plans to go home to Texas to visit my parents. As sad as that was, seeing as how I haven’t seen them since Christmas, I didn’t want to sit around my apartment for eight days with no plans. And then, a lightbulb moment: why not socially distance a vacation to a place of my choosing?

I have to admit, I was a little nervous about traveling alone initially, and not just because of the raging pandemic that’s happening. As my parents like to remind me, the world is not exactly a safe and forgiving place. But I’ve been taking precautions–back to my hotel before dark, pepper spray, that sort of thing.

Precautions aside, though, can we just talk about how great traveling alone is? Why have I never done this before?

So here they are: the reasons why traveling alone in your 20s is amazing:

1. You wake up when you want to. You go to bed when you want to.

2. You can spend as much or as little time as you want to doing the activities of your choosing! Feel like changing the plan for the day? Do it. No one’s stopping you. Want to have a lazy day because you’re tired from the prior day’s activities? Not a problem.

3. You are the only DJ in the car. No battles over the AUX cord. No “For the love of all that is holy, please stop singing!”

4. It builds confidence! From adventures in navigation to a willingness to experience things outside of one’s comfort zone, I’ve found myself gaining confidence in my ability to solve problems or change the plan at a moment’s notice due to an unforeseen event in the last few days.

5. It’s less expensive! Okay, not for everything: splitting things like lodging costs and gasoline can be helpful. But when it comes to paying for activities? It’s nice when you just have to pay for yourself, and you don’t have to worry that you’re overextending someone else’s budget.

6. You talk to more people than you probably would if you were a part of a group. I’m definitely guilty of this: I’m not shy, exactly, but I can be reserved and somewhat aloof until I feel comfortable with someone. I have definitely been guilty of shrinking into a group I’m comfortable with so I don’t have to talk to anyone else.

But this trip has been great because I’ve had the opportunity to speak to people I never would have before: two of the staff members at the North Shore Adventure Park asked what I was doing in Silver Bay, and gave me recommendations for other places I should see while I’m here. One of them even recommended a beautiful 6.6 mile hike and a hiking app called All Trails (which has helped me so much for the rest of my trip!).

And I’ve made brief, socially-distanced conversations with others, too: the sweet lady whose 3 year old was super taken with me, which led to me asking her if she could take my picture to send to my parents; the cute dog who was extra friendly in line at the Portland Malt Shoppe this evening; or the gentleman in line outside Grand Marais’s Sven and Ole’s while we waited for our respective pizzas. It’s been a wonderful trip full of small interactions every day that have really added to my overall experience. Interactions that I undoubtedly would not have had if I had been with someone else.

7. Something I’ve noticed, pretty much everywhere I have gone, from hiking trails to restaurants to the adventure park, is that I’m the only singular person out and about. Everyone else is with someone else: families, a significant other, an older parent with their adult child, etc. And maybe it’s just that I’m noticing it more because I’m traveling alone, but it has made me think about how there seems to be this idea that you can’t go out and have adventures if you don’t have a significant other to do them with. Which is kind of sad and backwards. Shouldn’t we encourage personal growth on an individual level? Let’s normalize experiencing things for ourselves, by ourselves.

Humans are social creatures, and I’m not an exception to that rule. Of course, it would be nice to have company on this trip. But I think there’s something to be said for enjoying your own company and learning to have a fun time by yourself. I think there’s a gift in being happy, comfortable, confident (and approachable!) in your own skin. I’ve had a wonderful time on this trip.

8. Which brings me to my final point: It’s been really nice to have time to myself without the influence of someone else’s energy. I’m really sensitive to the moods of those around me. This trip has been great just for me to reconnect with myself. I’m an introvert, and it’s not like it’s unusual for me to be overly in touch with my internal monologue, but I’ve had a lot of time this week to think about my life and what I want it to look like. I’ve had time to think about all the silly things I worried about back in my home-away-from-home, like going to a friend’s wedding alone in a few months.

I’m only 23, but I’m starting to feel like everyone around me is coupling up. Of my close friends, both back home and in Fargo, more than half are in serious relationships, engaged, or married. Which is wonderful, and I’m really happy for them! But when everyone around you is coupled up, it can make you feel a little out of place when you’re still flying solo.

I haven’t had a lot of luck in the relationship department. Only a handful of people know this, but I went through a kind-of-breakup at the start of all this Covid stuff. I say “kind of” because he wasn’t my boyfriend, but we saw each other for two months and were encroaching DTR territory. Seems like that’s usually how it goes these days.

Even when something seems really good and promising, somehow it always manages to fall apart. And I always feel confused and hurt and sad when it’s over. I try so hard to do everything right and not mess anything up, and it still manages to slip through my fingers like sand through an hourglass… but I’m learning that people who want to be in your life will be. And it is not my mission to make myself take up as little space as possible, to make it as easy and convenient as possible, in hopes that someone will stay. Ultimately, I think we all deserve someone who makes us a priority and not just an option.

I think part of the loss we feel when we go through a breakup isn’t just the loss of the relationship itself, but also all of the plans for the future and the “We should do x,”-es and “I want us to see y”-s and “When we do z”-s. It’s when you had begun to feel secure in the idea of a future with someone and start to build confidence that they’ll be there, when you start painting them onto the canvas of your life with less tentative brush strokes and instead more firm splashes of color, and it all falls apart at the last minute… well, it’s hard to reach for that paint thinner to ruin the masterpiece you’ve already put so much time and effort into. It’s hard to scrub out the part of the painting you had stroked on so boldly.

But that’s the way it goes sometimes. It’s been a while since I’ve thought of him this much, but seeing all of the summertime couples has me realizing how much people do things as, well, a pair. And with my friend’s wedding coming up in 2.5 months and my RSVP card due soon, it has me a little reminiscent of when I actually had a date for said wedding. I’m really excited for her wedding! But I have to admit, the thought of showing up without a plus-one has been causing me to feel a little anxious. Who will I talk to all night? Do I just third-wheel our mutual friends, or is that rude?

But as I noted earlier in this post, this trip has been a huge confidence booster! And it has shown me that I can, in fact, have casual conversations with people I don’t know, and that it will be just fine.

So if anyone else out there who is a #singlelady is reading this, I just want you to know: You do not need someone else to travel. You do not need someone else to go eat at a restaurant you want to visit. You do not need someone else to visit a park or the shoreline or the hiking trail. You do not need a wedding date. You can do things by yourself and be happy!

Which is really what this trip has been all about for me. It started as just a crazy musing to one of my patients, but then they said, “Yes! You should go!” And it snowballed from there. And now here I am, in Duluth, Minnesota, having had the best time these last few days. I’ve had a really fun trip. I feel brave, resourceful, relaxed, and really, really happy.

So this brings me to my last piece of advice:

Don’t focus on meeting the right person. Focus on becoming the right person. Focus on being the healthiest and happiest you that you can be. Life is so good and is worth exploring everything it has to offer, and if you wait for other people to be ready when you’re ready, you’re going to miss out. Don’t miss out on your own life. Carpe diem and all that.

So go, do you. Be you. Travel. Be brave. Make mistakes. Live boldly. And stay safe.

With love,

Jess